3 things that are making me happy
- supernatural. I'm late to the party but I adore Dean and wish I had a brother like him.
- my little pony :) i want to be pinkie pie.
- my next door neighbour is a super friendly, super geeky fan girl :)
3 things that are making me anxious
- money
- work
- doing a black belt grading this weekend on a sprained ankle. All these years without a serious injury and I tear a ligament 2 weeks before my black belt grading.
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Sometimes bad dreams wake you and they're not even nightmares, they're just the truth.
Lately I've been questioning the state of my mental health, but I'm honestly sure that I'm not crazy, it's just that real life grown up worries and weird thyroid issues are mixing and matching to make me feel like I'm slowly going crazy.
I'm good, honestly. But sometimes I find myself vividly picturing death (rope, which I find strange since I hate the feeling of anything around my throat), and sometimes I make plans of not now, if you bump up life insurance now and wait two years, at least there will be a benefit to it, and sometimes I think that's the best and most useful thing I could offer the people in my life. A big life insurance payout.
The thing is, most problems will go away if you throw enough money at them. The problem is, who has that kind of money? So even though I earn enough to rob me of the right to complain, I can still feel the anxiety build when I think of the future.
I earn 6 figures (just barely, but I do) and I feel like a failure because I still can't solve everyone's problems. Mostly my parents'. Partially my brother's. I wish I could be a more generous wife, not that BBB's ever complained. And you might say that other people's problems are not my problems, but they ARE. They're my family. My problem.
Segue: so we've been watching Supernatural lately, and I love it fiercely. And part of that is because it's a genuinely well written show, regardless of what the haters say, and part of that is because I totally crush on Dean and his snark and his smile, but a lot of it is (please bear with my self-indulgence here) that I can totally identify with the responsibility Dean feels. He's the eldest. It's HIS job to make things better. It just is. It's not about logic or reason or even fairness. It just IS.
Anyway, I'm not even done with season 3 yet so no spoilers, please, even 10 years after the fact.
My point is - sometimes I feel less than stable. But I know it's from real life issues (that I don't know how to fix) and unrelated medical issues (that I'm trying to have fixed. I am not so good at that. My brain doesn't like to compute that there's anything wrong. When it started years ago, I went around with a pulse of 130 for months, feeling like I was going to pass out if I tried to do strenuous things like brush my hair, crying in deserted corners of my office because I felt so useless. And it never once occurred to me that I could be sick. Someone else made me see a doctor. Doctor gave me drugs. Drugs made me feel better. I was surprised.)
Most days though? I feel great. And happy. And productive and loved and well, and my friends are awesome and my next door neighbour is totally into fandom. And I have a wonderful husband and loving parents and brother, and I'm awesome at baking chocolate cake and my mawashis could probably put a person down.
It's just a battle between all that and this insidious, creeping feeling of anxiety and powerlessness.
But hey, now it's light outside and the stomach-deep dread of the team has faded and today is a brand new day with no mistakes in it.
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A question for my US flisters: which shop/chain would be the cheapest to buy an iPad 2 from? I know there's not much difference in price with apple products but in Australia there's about $20 difference between buying one from the Apple store and buying one from Target.
Also, when the RRP is listed at $499, is that the final price? Is tax added on top of that? Are there any states that don't add tax, or have less tax than others?
My brother is visiting the US and Canada in a few days (why, yes, I AM insanely jealous, thanks for asking!) and I'm thinking of getting him to bring me back one. Ipads are more expensive here (about $80 more expensive!) despite our dollar being at close to US$1.05.
And for any techies... It seems your 3G versions are locked to AT&T or Verizon. What happens when Americans travel or move overseas then?
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My hand lost a fight with someone's leg. Ow. Actually, I have no idea whether it's broken or not. I know it hurts, it's bruised, it's swollen and I can't move it. But it's just my little finger and I've taped it to my next finger and it's unlikely I'll ever get it looked at so I guess I'll never know.
(but part of me would like to know so I can answer the memes that ask whether I've ever broken a bone. /dork)
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It's nearly midnight and the neighbors are playing very loud music - Greek or Indian and fast-paced and rhythmic. I think it's quite nice, even though I'm sure my other neighbors won't agree. I like it because I can close my eyes and imagine I'm in a faraway, exotic place.
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Ahn Do is going to be at my local bookstore tomorrow! This is amazingly exciting because I've kind of crushed him just a little bit since I read his autobiography. He's funny and talented and ridiculously sweet.
(For those who don't know, Ahn Do is a Vietnamese-Australian comedian. He's also a great storyteller and has lived a life full of stories.)
I highly recommend his book - I don't even know how to describe it. It's funny and inspirational and sad and eminently readable and my favourite new book of past year.
If anyone is interested in getting a (autographed?!) copy and giving it a go... Let me know ASAP! I can guarantee it's well worth the read.
I'm so excited about tomorrow!!! :)
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Tora week happens once a year. We fly down to Hobart and do karate. That's all (actually we also eat and sleep). The last three days have started with breakfast at 5:15am and a run at 6am. Uphill. It makes me want to die.
By 7:30am we've finished our morning session and there's bacon and eggs and beer for all. This is the 4th day; we've done 16.5 hours of karate so far. By the end of today we will have done 19.5 hours in 4 days.
I really do love tora week. Training is great and our sensei is awesome. I just don't have the energy to hit the exclamation point to show the joy that I'm sure is inside, somewhere. Buried deep beneath the pain.
Also, I think i have experienced 80, it feels like this.
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Does anyone have a spare AO3 invite they'd like to give me? I want to sign up to yuletide but it appears that I can't without an invite. Clearly I've been away from fandom for much too long. (I don't even know why half my flist is posting from dreamwidth these days).
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I want someone to share Jack Reacher fic with. Anyone??
All I can find is one measly little unfinished fic that's riddled with spelling and grammatical errors. And I hadn't yet started craving Reacher!fic when Yuletide nominations closed. Sadness.
Surely there's someone out there who wants to share the Reacher love!
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I'm in Sydney for a hen's party that starts tomorrow. A few of us were planning to stay the night with bride-to-be, because we don't have easy access to accommodation in sydney. Here's how tonight's worked out:
5:30pm - start driving
9pm - arrive in Sydney
9:30pm - walking to the restaurant we'd picked for dinner, bride-to-be freezes with a look of absolute horror on her face.
She's left the keys to the Sydney apartment back in Canberra, a good 3 hours drive away.
Cue a bit of panic and quite a lot of teasing and laughter. Bride-to-be calls up groom-to-be, who's happily chilling out in Canberra.
Groom-to-be proves that he's a keeper, ridiculously so, by immediately hopping in his car and driving up here to deliver a key. He arrived at about 1am.
Now we're happily accommodated in an apartment instead of having to put up 'Homeless' signs on George St.
I wish I could think of a witty, snappy ending for this post but it's 3:30am.
I can't believe she forgot the keys!
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So it turns out this new iphone lj app is a LIAR! Each time i checked it told me i had no comments. I thought that was because i was writing very uninspiring posts. Turns out the app is just not very good at updating. Oops!
Now i need to go bake scones. I've just made dinner and lunch for tomorrow. Later i'll do the laundry and some ironing. I'm such a good housewife.
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timeasmymeasure
